A cab driver picks up a nun.
She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring
She asks him why he is staring
and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't
want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you
cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a
nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a
fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see
what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2
you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited
and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic
The nun says, "OK, pull into
the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must
confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am
on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is
A man comes home
from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in
front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer
before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and
slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few
minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going
to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him
"Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit
in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat
slob, and furthermore .. ." The man sighs and says, "It's
started . ."
A guy walks into a
bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey
grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table,
grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and
to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue
ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't
surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight,
the little b*gger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for
the stuff the Monkey
ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later
he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey
finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his
bottom, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No,
what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a cherry up his
bottom, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball
incident, he measures everything first."
Little Suzie walks
into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, where do keep the wittle wabbits?" And
the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her
level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft
and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle
brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hand on her
knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't
fink my pyfon really gives a thit